All the way home from the hospital today, I wondered and thought,”How will I say it?”
How will I tell you about our day and what we have learned about our daughter, our family and our future.
I got home and continued to ask myself over and over.
Then, it rained. Well, it didn’t just rain, it poured on my street; for exactly 3 minutes. It wasn’t even long enough to completely soak the driveway.
But it was long enough to produce my inspiration.
You can hardly see it. But as Caitlin and Campbell and I darted from the house in search of a rainbow, and turned around we saw this clearly and colorfully. In this picture you see half of the rainbow OVER OUR HOUSE. What you don’t see, because I was crying too hard, is the other half of the rainbow that fell to the ground on the other side of my house. My house was completely and perfectly centered underneath this rainbow.
What are the odds?
C’mon. You all know I don’t believe in odds anymore…
And I will admit something to you…I didn’t want to believe in God anymore. I still don’t want to, but I sure as heck still do. I’m mad at Him, but Pastor Roberts will help me sort thru that in time.
A long time ago, I wrote a post that spoke of rainbows. I explained that I believe rainbows are promises. BUT, I followed that statement with further explanantion that it may not be the promise we beg or bargain for, promise or plead for…
And tonight, this rainbow is certainly not the promise I have searched of for our daughter. But, we believe it is a perfectly coincidental promise that she will be taken care of and that she will be loved and she will be healed…but not by us.
The results of the MRI? Well, I can explain in medical terms first:
Significant progression of disease, mass shift, closing ventricle, morphine, comfort, initiate a call to hospice, so sorry, so sorry, so sorry….
What it means? Well, this is how I choose tonight to describe it:
that bastard tumor is growing at ridiculous speed, a few weeks left with our daughter, NO SUFFERING for Caitlin will be tolerated; but my husband will suffer and I can’t protect him, our other children are going to suffer and I can’t protect them, our parents and siblings will suffer and I can’t protect them, our friends will suffer and I can’t protect them, our community will suffer and I can’t protect them….so sorry, so sorry, so sorry….
Tonight I urge you to run thru the mud and get messy, go see Wreck it Ralph, put up a blow-up, not at all Martha Stewart, 6ft snowman in the front yard, eat dessert first, have a picnic on the futon, plan a trip to Disney, wear your pajamas and ignore the dishes…because it will make your children smile and be happy.
And please don’t say these words to your children if it can be helped,
“In a little bit”
“There isn’t time”
“Maybe another day”
Because I just got a full kick in the heart of “time” and all that it means, and it isn’t pretty.
And I’ll leave you with one more confession (my sister will cringe worst of all….)
I DIDN’T VOTE TODAY AND I DON’T CARE TONIGHT!!!!
with a truly broken heart, d
P.S. Thank you for the letters some of you have written. (See previous blog entry from Sept 17th?)
Others of you are avoiding me and my request. I am begging you to please write them, please send them, please help me to know she won’t die a life that no one will remember…..